I had been worried this entire time that I wouldn't be able to watch hockey. Not only would I not get to watch Hockey Night in Canada, nor even my precious Leafs, I wasn't able to see any hockey games at all (even American-only games on NBC).
The days of darkness are over, my friends.
With a flash of inspiration, I looked into Leafs TV Online. Not only do they offer Leafs games for pretty cheap (most of the games in the season for 40$), they apparently will accept the postal code of the Eaton Centre in Toronto as my home address!
And so, ladies and gentlemen, the Kubuli finally tastes alright. I'm in between periods, and have just watched Kessel and Caputi work some magic to bring the Leafs the lead.
After five years of crappy hockey, being a Leafs fan has finally paid off: they're one of the only teams to exclusively offer their games streaming online for a fee. I love Canadian capitalism.